One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
