I can text with my tongue
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
