i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
honey bunches of taint.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
