I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
