Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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