Barsexuality is the new black.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
