That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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