So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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