so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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