between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
