She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
