I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
