Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
