never play flip cup with pint glasses
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
