i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
