Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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