Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
