turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
where are my eyebrows?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
