I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
We are all done wearing pants today
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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