We got so high we made milksteak
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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