literally had 100 drinks last night.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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