she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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