so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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