capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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