My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize