saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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