i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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