now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
