I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
