Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
