dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
