I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
