I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
