put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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