Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
