How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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