My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Randomize
