i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
People in love make me want to vomit
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
