i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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