Don't you send me to vm
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
