fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
