What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
