i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
