So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
