and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
