Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
