Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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