is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
