can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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