I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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