All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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