I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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