so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
