I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
